Reality BITES!

I can’t believe its already mid-October. I have been really busy lately – with work (yes, believe it or not!), my beading business (check out http://beaddict.multiply.com) and with my personal life (I just got engaged last weekend!).

The good news is, I’ve been too busy to be my usual cynical self and analyzing everything that is going on in my life. The bad news is, I haven’t got anything to write anymore.

I like that time is going so fast lately, because it means I don’t get to dwell on unimportant stuff anymore. But I also wish I could stop time for a while because soon enough, my fiancé will be leaving to work far, far away from me – for two years! If only I could go with him…But I can’t, so I’ll just have to deal with having a LDR (will talk about that another time).

Okay, just a little break from all these incoherent ramblings! I’ve just got to say that Marty Casey (of the band Lovehammers) is just damn hot! He isn’t the best singer in the world, but even when he’s off-pitch and screamy, he sounds awesome.

Of all the rockers in Rockstar: INXS, he’s the only one who inspired me to find out more about the songs he’s sung. Like Pink Floyd’s "Wish You Were Here" (which I have listened to about 20 times in the past 3 days – Marty’s version of course) and The Killers’ "Mr. Brightside". It has made me wonder why I’ve never listened to these bands or why I’ve never really taken notice of this genre. Of course, a lot of great rock songs came out when I was much younger and had no appreciation of music. Then in my teens, the great rock bands were Nirvana and Pearl Jam, which were both just too loud for my Clair Marlo trained ears. Okay okay, I admit, I was too sentimental then (read: Chicago and Toto).

Nowadays I still love Pop and R&B, but I’ve also started to take notice of Rock. The Counting Crows, Goo Goo Dolls, Coldplay and other Alternative bands are looped on my player. Now if only I can pull off the Rock Glam look…

So maybe I’ve had an overdose of watching all these superhero/comic book flicks. My friends and I discussed what super powers we would want to have given the chance to choose.

It seems that the most popular is mental telepathy and/or telekinesis (just don’t ask me the difference between the two, because frankly speaking, I have no idea). Well, I’m actually not surprised, given all the mind games that people play. I mean, wouldn’t everything be so much easier if we can read people’s minds? Or if we could communicate by just thinking what we want to get across, without the complications of interpreting the actual actions of a person?

Personally though, I would prefer having the power to be invisible (to which my sister replied, "Oh, but you already are!"…Very funny. Not!) Pretty much like Violet in The Incredibles or Invisible Woman (duh!) of Fantastic Four. With the matching force field, of course. I’m pretty sure you psychologists out there are ready with all your psychoanalysis stuff already, and I know what you’re going to say – insecurity, passive, introvert…blah blah.

I guess you’re right about that. But I just find it appealing to be able to disappear whenever I want to or just do my stuff without people bothering me. Or when things get out of hand, I can just shut out everyone from my world with a force field. Oh and I’d also like to know what people do when they think no one is watching (and I mean this in the most wholesome manner possible).

But really, where’s the fun in living if we’re more than human? I guess maybe that explains why my favorite "superhero" has always been Batman. He is "just" human, but that doesn’t stop him from trying to be more than that.

In other words, it’s my birthday again and I have just aged another year. I guess my cake would be awfully crowded if someone were patient enough to put the number of candles to represent my age.

I’ve always loved my birthdays…it’s the one day of the year that I feel special. This year however, I didn’t feel that way – maybe its just because I’m feeling sick today. Or maybe I’m just getting old and cynical.

The day isn’t over yet though…so maybe there’s still something to look forward to.

At different points in our lives, we will be asked a question that goes something like "Where do you see yourself five (ten or twenty…) years from now?" (This is one of the favorite questions of most interviewers)

As far as I can remember, I’ve been asked this question at least 10 times. The one time that I distinctly remember answering this was during a retreat I attended in fourth year high school. I was 16 then, and I believe my answer was that I didn’t know where I’d be, but that I just wanted to be happy.

I’ve always envied people who know exactly what or where they want to be in a certain number of years. I could never conjure up anything – I mean, how could I even think of where I’d want to be in a few years, when I hardly know where I am right now?

Now that I am turning 26 though, I can’t help but think of how things have turned out for me. I certainly never imagined I’d be in my line of work. But I guess, what’s important is that I am happy. Despite everything that is wrong with my life and how lost I sometimes feel, I get a certain sense of contentment in being able to say with full conviction that I like who I have become.

I’m sure that I’ll never be able to give a satisfactory answer to any question starting with "Where do you see yourself…" But to me, that isn’t really important. What’s more meaningful to me is knowing exactly who I am right now and how I can be a better person in the years to come. Besides, I have faith in knowing that I’ll be wherever He needs me to be.

No, don't try to reason with me, this is too much.

I will try not to think of you when I wake up in the morning
And ask myself if somehow you are also awake.
I have my own life to lead and my own life to think of.

No, I won't even think of you while I'm eating my lunch
Wondering if you're doing the same thing,
Because sooner or later I know you will.

No, never again will I go to the comfort room and lock myself in
Just to have some privacy to piteously think of you, cry, sing
Or do some silly things because of you.

And no, never will I again think of you last when I go to sleep.
Sleep is my only rest,
So please don't plague me in my dreams.

I am moving on.

I'll try to wake up in the morning and smile and
Think not of why you left but that once you stayed.

And if I feel the need to cry, it will not be for the future that we could have,
Not for the regrets that I have nor of the anger that I feel,
But I will cry because of a love that I never was able to share
With the one man I felt it for.
I will cry for the love that was lost,
And not for the man who left.

I will give my affections to any man who is in need of it,
But not my heart because I am still trying to get it back from you.
I will give him the love that you never wanted,
The kiss that I so longed to give you
And the words that once was yours.
Worthy or not worthy of it, at least he's here, you're not.

I'll try to hold back the tears when I think of you.
I'll just try to smile.

I am moving on... and hoping that the next thing would be letting go.

-author unknown

It’s surprising how quickly the days go by. The scorching heat of the summer sun has now been replaced by cool raindrops and misty clouds.

And yet, my life is exactly where it was just three months back. I still feel utterly lost as to where I am going! But aside from that, I am starting to feel helpless and jaded as well. My mind is filled with the thought – "Is this all there is to life?".

I guess maybe if I stopped whining so much and started acting on matters, I will find meaning to my life. Or perhaps, an attitude makeover is necessary?

After a breakup, this has got to be the question that is most often asked. And more often than not, it is the one who leaves that asks that question.

The right answer? A resounding NO.

Okay, well maybe it is possible – but it takes time. As long as you still love a person, as long as you have even the slightest bit of romantic feelings, you cannot be friends. Sure, at the moment you may feel like everything is okay…but let me tell you, the time will come when things will get all screwed up and it is going to hurt like hell.

It is really just an excuse to hold on to someone. It’s just a way of delaying the inevitable – that things are really over. In the long run, it just makes matters worse.

So it doesn’t matter how emotionally mature you think you are. It doesn’t matter what your reasons are for being “friends”. If you really want to move on, then no, you cannot still be friends. At least not yet.

Back when I was younger, my favorite saying was “Impossible is a word only to be found in the dictionary of fools.” It’s about time that someone revised that saying…and Adidas has aptly come up with that extraordinarily powerful slogan.

“Impossible is Nothing”. Enough said.

A while back I posed the question, “What is your greatest fear?”. This is the same question that Samuel L. Jackson repeatedly asked one of his players in the movie “Coach Carter”. The answer that his player gave him was this:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

It's a poem by Marianne Williamson, often mistakenly attributed to Nelson Mandela